The 10 day retreat at the temple

“(Keep to your journey)…in whatever form it takes,”

my mentoring monk says to me in soul-full words wishing me on my way back to the outside world…a world in which I see clearer now.

Nearly a month has passed since my departure from the temple and I feel happier in the moments that I share with myself and with other people. I am especially (and surprisingly) forgiving and accepting of my past scars. I have learned, over my 10 day experience, nothing extravagantly new that I have not known before about life and its many teachings of wisdom. For example, such has been said by the wise:

- Choose to love, rather than hate.

- Choose to live, rather than just survive.

- Pick and choose your battles wisely.

- Live, love, and laugh often.

From the teachings of the Buddha and his many great followers at the temple (as well as the not-so-good ones), I have simply rediscovered the precious and passing value of the present day and moment. In other words, it has been made so obvious to me why now is so much more important than the past.

The strict conditions at the temple for the practicing monks and lay-people (which was me) fostered my growth. I can ramble on forever about these conditions. When researching about Buddhism before my retreat, random people have consistently told me of the “hard and difficult conditions” of the Vipassana practice of Buddhism.

- One meal a day before noon

o Only simply liquids, such as fruits without pulp (excluding coconut), was allowed after. Liquids that were considered medicinal were also allowed, such as aloe.

§ Yes, I know, me eating one meal is day is UNHEARD of!

- No intentionally killing or harming living beings

o Why do mosquitoes need to be on this list when the temple is set near a stagnant marsh/pond? Ok, this may not be that hard for some sour-blooded people, but for me it was!

- Lack of sleep due to the heat, hunger, and mosquitoes

o It was way to hot and suffocating to use a mosquito net

- Wake at 3:30am – chant and sitting meditation (2 hours)

- Morning elm’s round with the monks (i.e. collecting food offerings)

- Mid-day walking meditation

- Evening chant and sitting meditation (2.5 hours) till 9:30-11pm

- Noble silence

o Interacting only when needed (e.g. consulting with monks)

o No hitting on the bald, white-robed chicks

There is more to the list, but this should paint you enough of a picture. To a first time viewer into this world, it may seem as if intentional, unreasonable obstacles are placed in your way; but, for me, I slowly came to understand why such conditions were in place despite:

- literally hearing and feeling my body devour itself due to hunger

- losing 2 kilos by the end of the retreat along with muscle mass

- feeling physically weak and faint

- experiencing daily pain through meditative positions

A meditation practitioner once wrote - “We are so attuned to feeding and replenishing our physical selves that we lose sight of the necessity to feed our own mind.” The term “healthy” has never been so relative before. The temple gears the practicing person to focus more on the aspect of “feeding” the mind more than the physical self, which is only viewed and valued (in my opinion) no more than a simply living peanut shell encasing precious cargo (i.e. the mind). I can honestly say that I do spend more time than necessary feeding myself; going through an ecstasy of food comas; and sleeping to the early afternoon.

It was difficult to adjust to this temple life-style in the beginning, but after the fourth day, I felt a growing energy deriving from the continuous practice of daily meditation. This energy would be my fuel to not just get me through the end of the day, but to live a full and happy day.

I felt livelier than before in my actions and emotions. I could feel more acuity to my senses and thoughts which further stimulated the world inside me and around me in all simplicity and complexity. Although I was a sponge to my stimulating environment, I practiced keeping my energy centered and controlled within my every movement. As the monk would say, “…the world will always be in motion, the sounds (noises) will probably happen again, but bring yourself back to here (the center).”

There was one sitting meditation session that I will never forget. The experience showed me the controlling power of the mind over an emotional state as well as the body. As some of you may already know, sitting meditation can be quite uncomfortable to the point of numbness. Numbness sometimes later turns into, what I call - painful needles. And, if sitting on a hard wood floor with no cushion, well, let’s just say that a lot of pain occurs to the point of stopping. In this hour long session, I chose to continue through the intense pain. My focus was strong that day. Towards the end of the session, thoughts of my mom crossed my mind. The same feelings of dislike, hurt, and even hate entered. I recall feeling my heart somewhat choking, something that I have always felt before. Later, though, under the guidance of my mentoring monk, he softly told me to focus more on the love that you have received from this person knowing well that one of my special “talents” is my vivid, detail-oriented memory. He later said something along these lines that would aid the release of this choke to this very day –

“You have filled numerous bags in your past and carry them with you.
Choose to put them down. Let go. They are not going anywhere. You can go back to them anytime you want to. But, now…in this moment, choose not to.”

In that moment, I chose not to. In that brief moment, I felt free…light…warmth entered my heart… positive memories of my mom and I flowed more freely into me. In that moment, I also felt excruciating pain in my legs from the posture of meditation. And, in that same moment, tears of indescribable joy streamed down my calm and still face.

That moment clearly taught me that if I so choose to fixate my eyes on happiness, then I will certainly resonate happiness. I learned, even more so how happy I could be if I choose to focus more on my life today (and in the near future), rather than hindering myself projecting an unhealthy past into my present day moments. I believe now…I am so convinced to my very root that the past in all the hurt that it contained is not worth focusing on in the present moment because it takes so much of the beauty away that stands and passes right in front of me. Truly, everyday is a gift…if we so choose to be here to open our eyes to it.

In the beginning of my time there, my monk repeatedly pecked at me with two questions – “Why were you born? Why are you here?” I recall responding in an irritating fashion (thinking “whoa, finally a simple question”) – “…to be happy…to learn something new everyday to make my life better…to help people…to fight injustice in the world.” Although all of these responses contain truth to them, they lacked honesty, the monk would say, due to the lack of my mind being in the presence of that moment and an over-usage of should-thinking.

In the end, he asked me that same question. I answered –

“To be free.”

Through my stubborn and critical nature; through my many doubts based upon fear, something great has opened my eyes to a more colorful world. I am so thankful for that learning opportunity of a life-time. Now, as always, it is a matter of choice of what I do with it now in my present life.

“…with the intention to walk,” the monk would say before taking our first mindful step in walking meditation practice.

“With the intention to move forward…

in whatever form it may take,”

I now say to myself.

Here are a few pictures of WAT SANGHATHAN (taken from the website):

The first picture was my sleeping quarters. Second one down, a view from the center of the temple. Last one down, view of the meditation hall where a two-story golden Buddha sits.

What the lay people wear. Just imagine me like the dude on the right.