The 10 day retreat at the temple

“(Keep to your journey)…in whatever form it takes,”

my mentoring monk says to me in soul-full words wishing me on my way back to the outside world…a world in which I see clearer now.

Nearly a month has passed since my departure from the temple and I feel happier in the moments that I share with myself and with other people. I am especially (and surprisingly) forgiving and accepting of my past scars. I have learned, over my 10 day experience, nothing extravagantly new that I have not known before about life and its many teachings of wisdom. For example, such has been said by the wise:

- Choose to love, rather than hate.

- Choose to live, rather than just survive.

- Pick and choose your battles wisely.

- Live, love, and laugh often.

From the teachings of the Buddha and his many great followers at the temple (as well as the not-so-good ones), I have simply rediscovered the precious and passing value of the present day and moment. In other words, it has been made so obvious to me why now is so much more important than the past.

The strict conditions at the temple for the practicing monks and lay-people (which was me) fostered my growth. I can ramble on forever about these conditions. When researching about Buddhism before my retreat, random people have consistently told me of the “hard and difficult conditions” of the Vipassana practice of Buddhism.

- One meal a day before noon

o Only simply liquids, such as fruits without pulp (excluding coconut), was allowed after. Liquids that were considered medicinal were also allowed, such as aloe.

§ Yes, I know, me eating one meal is day is UNHEARD of!

- No intentionally killing or harming living beings

o Why do mosquitoes need to be on this list when the temple is set near a stagnant marsh/pond? Ok, this may not be that hard for some sour-blooded people, but for me it was!

- Lack of sleep due to the heat, hunger, and mosquitoes

o It was way to hot and suffocating to use a mosquito net

- Wake at 3:30am – chant and sitting meditation (2 hours)

- Morning elm’s round with the monks (i.e. collecting food offerings)

- Mid-day walking meditation

- Evening chant and sitting meditation (2.5 hours) till 9:30-11pm

- Noble silence

o Interacting only when needed (e.g. consulting with monks)

o No hitting on the bald, white-robed chicks

There is more to the list, but this should paint you enough of a picture. To a first time viewer into this world, it may seem as if intentional, unreasonable obstacles are placed in your way; but, for me, I slowly came to understand why such conditions were in place despite:

- literally hearing and feeling my body devour itself due to hunger

- losing 2 kilos by the end of the retreat along with muscle mass

- feeling physically weak and faint

- experiencing daily pain through meditative positions

A meditation practitioner once wrote - “We are so attuned to feeding and replenishing our physical selves that we lose sight of the necessity to feed our own mind.” The term “healthy” has never been so relative before. The temple gears the practicing person to focus more on the aspect of “feeding” the mind more than the physical self, which is only viewed and valued (in my opinion) no more than a simply living peanut shell encasing precious cargo (i.e. the mind). I can honestly say that I do spend more time than necessary feeding myself; going through an ecstasy of food comas; and sleeping to the early afternoon.

It was difficult to adjust to this temple life-style in the beginning, but after the fourth day, I felt a growing energy deriving from the continuous practice of daily meditation. This energy would be my fuel to not just get me through the end of the day, but to live a full and happy day.

I felt livelier than before in my actions and emotions. I could feel more acuity to my senses and thoughts which further stimulated the world inside me and around me in all simplicity and complexity. Although I was a sponge to my stimulating environment, I practiced keeping my energy centered and controlled within my every movement. As the monk would say, “…the world will always be in motion, the sounds (noises) will probably happen again, but bring yourself back to here (the center).”

There was one sitting meditation session that I will never forget. The experience showed me the controlling power of the mind over an emotional state as well as the body. As some of you may already know, sitting meditation can be quite uncomfortable to the point of numbness. Numbness sometimes later turns into, what I call - painful needles. And, if sitting on a hard wood floor with no cushion, well, let’s just say that a lot of pain occurs to the point of stopping. In this hour long session, I chose to continue through the intense pain. My focus was strong that day. Towards the end of the session, thoughts of my mom crossed my mind. The same feelings of dislike, hurt, and even hate entered. I recall feeling my heart somewhat choking, something that I have always felt before. Later, though, under the guidance of my mentoring monk, he softly told me to focus more on the love that you have received from this person knowing well that one of my special “talents” is my vivid, detail-oriented memory. He later said something along these lines that would aid the release of this choke to this very day –

“You have filled numerous bags in your past and carry them with you.
Choose to put them down. Let go. They are not going anywhere. You can go back to them anytime you want to. But, now…in this moment, choose not to.”

In that moment, I chose not to. In that brief moment, I felt free…light…warmth entered my heart… positive memories of my mom and I flowed more freely into me. In that moment, I also felt excruciating pain in my legs from the posture of meditation. And, in that same moment, tears of indescribable joy streamed down my calm and still face.

That moment clearly taught me that if I so choose to fixate my eyes on happiness, then I will certainly resonate happiness. I learned, even more so how happy I could be if I choose to focus more on my life today (and in the near future), rather than hindering myself projecting an unhealthy past into my present day moments. I believe now…I am so convinced to my very root that the past in all the hurt that it contained is not worth focusing on in the present moment because it takes so much of the beauty away that stands and passes right in front of me. Truly, everyday is a gift…if we so choose to be here to open our eyes to it.

In the beginning of my time there, my monk repeatedly pecked at me with two questions – “Why were you born? Why are you here?” I recall responding in an irritating fashion (thinking “whoa, finally a simple question”) – “…to be happy…to learn something new everyday to make my life better…to help people…to fight injustice in the world.” Although all of these responses contain truth to them, they lacked honesty, the monk would say, due to the lack of my mind being in the presence of that moment and an over-usage of should-thinking.

In the end, he asked me that same question. I answered –

“To be free.”

Through my stubborn and critical nature; through my many doubts based upon fear, something great has opened my eyes to a more colorful world. I am so thankful for that learning opportunity of a life-time. Now, as always, it is a matter of choice of what I do with it now in my present life.

“…with the intention to walk,” the monk would say before taking our first mindful step in walking meditation practice.

“With the intention to move forward…

in whatever form it may take,”

I now say to myself.

Here are a few pictures of WAT SANGHATHAN (taken from the website):

The first picture was my sleeping quarters. Second one down, a view from the center of the temple. Last one down, view of the meditation hall where a two-story golden Buddha sits.

What the lay people wear. Just imagine me like the dude on the right.

Muay Thai training...(in the beginning)

Ok gang, so as promised MONTHS ago, here is some footage of the Muay Thai training that I have been doing. These pixes and vids seem old compared to how things are now. I guess that's a good sign of progress, right? (crossin the fingers)

Daily Pad work in the ring

When I had life easy. Hitting the sponge (that doesn't hit back)

The easy days as well. The pole didn't hit back...well, except the rust coming off of it

A live fight that my girl and I seen at Lumpini Stadium. The fighter in red is a current 6 time champion at 122 pounds. He is from the same little city and club that I am from.

back on track...

It is now 4 months into my journey here in Thailand. Although it has been exciting with surprises and fortunate blessings around every corner, it has been quite static in a way and, by no means, the way I really wanted it. Don't take me as a complainer right now, but sh@t, working 50+ hours six days a week has made me associate the beautiful Maekong (river) sunsets with a thought of a ball & chain tied near un-interesting people. Now c’mon folks, who wouldn’t love this:

My time has passed doing the bartender thing. Although that job supported me financially in every way – from FREE yummy thai meals to an exquisite, craddling sleep on a floating raft – I am happy to leave it to get back on the reason why I came here.

I had an interesting (to say the least) talk and cry with my sister the other day. She stabbed questions at me that resonated not within only her, but that of my mom as well (and probably my whole family):

“What the f**K are you doing with your life?”

“Don’t you want a career one day?”

“How are you going to take care of yourself? Don’t you have loans to pay-off?”

“When are you going to stop having your fun and settle down?”

Some of you may also have these questions in mind (that my sister had every right to ask because of my “inability” to keep-in-touch and my lack of “motivation” behind it.) Being here in Thailand has made me realize even more how important it is to be understood in your surrounding environment. Simply, if not understood, where is the nurture for the needed fire in ones life?

A friend once told me that “if you feel you’re supposed to do something in your life, usually the outcome does not resemble the happiness you seek.” I know my role all too well of what I am supposed to be doing with my life right now:

- be settled in one place

- good stable job

- good money

- pay-off loans

- sorry, did I say good money?

- family of my own

- kids

- take care and listen to the “wisdom” of family and relatives

Somewhere in the output of this proposed, general formula equates success and happiness. I know that the people who push this formula into my life mean well and just simply preach what they believe in or what works for them. That’s cool with me...well, only if they can hear my belief as well on what I truly believe in about happiness.

I believe happiness stems from a strong, peaceful, and planted root. If not, how can one hold stable and upright in the changing times of fortune.

I am here in Thailand to nurture the root…and the many scars that have not fully healed in my past. I have chosen Thailand initially because of Muay Thai (kickboxing). When I was younger, and also lost without guidance, my Ajahn (instructor) filled me with the philosophy and the means to channel my erratic energies in a more productive way. (No folks, it wasn’t about learning how to hurt people). I have not chosen Thailand to only further the use of Muay Thai as a vehicle to become healthier, but as a reason to bring and surround myself in an Eastern Asian context. A context which I believed (and still do believe) focused on differing ways of achieving happiness (compared to the Western world).

I am not traveling to “get the fun out of my system before settling down.” I do miss home. I do miss my beloved Hawai’i; my people; and my loved ones. But,….I am not ready. I have asked myself, “when do you know when you’re ready?”

Simply – when it feels good and right in my heart.

My time here thus far has been filled with many great memories and people that have taught me a lot about life. What I find quite amusing is the fact that I have not felt so connected with people before (regarding their present journey in life) even though they are from far, distant places in the world. Literally (because of my now previous job and/or social position) I have met and shared wonderful conversations and laughs with people from around the world. All has played a role in my growth here which I am so fortunate of.

Starting in a couple of hours, I will continue my journey here by committing myself to a 10 day retreat at a Buddhist temple to practice and study the way of Buddha. From what I have been told, it is similar (but not really similar) to a meditation retreat. “Brahmin” is what I have been told I will be. (I think that’s how to spell it)

So yes people, this time I will be intentionally disappearing out of your lives…well, for 10 days that is;) I will have no connection/interaction with the outside world. I am excited, but nervous at the same time. I do not know what to expect. People have told me that “it will change your life.” I say, “we’ll see.” (As you know, I am quite the stubborn type).

I have yet to pack and get ready. There still seems to be so much more to say…as always. Before I go, I want to ask humbly to ALL of you –

“Please be patient with me in my many acts of disappearance in your lives…..please.”

For those of you that have been…thank you so very very much.

Will write soon about my intentional 10 day disappearance;)

Much love and aloha,

kevin